


Mirror, mirror on the wall

by r0binmon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: A brief summary of Jace's life, Coming Out, Enby Jace, Gen, Jace coming to terms with his gender, Nonbinary, Nonbinary Jace, Parabatai are important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24151825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0binmon/pseuds/r0binmon
Summary: Jace is nonbinary and tries to figure out what exactly that means for him.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the inspiration, Flynn. This is for you.

Jace always knew something was off with him. He just didn't feel himself. It was like watching himself from a distance, not knowing who this person was. But being too young to realize he tried to cope by making his father proud and happy. He knew otherwise he'd feel pain anyway and this was something he didn't want for sure.

Learning how to fight was what he was made for and there was no moment he didn't enjoy being that good, knowing he was that good. This didn't help him when he looked at himself though. Some days he felt like a stranger. This was not him, not his body and at the same time it was. And what was the weirdest part about it was the fact, that it wasn't like this everyday. There were good days and bad day.

This made his feelings especially weird and confusing. Knowing that this couldn't be normal, he kept it to himself, trying to just accept himself and the way he was treated.

During the days it wasn't a big deal as he was busy most of the time, but the hard time came when he was in his room all alone, either in the morning or the evening. When his eyes rested on himself in the mirror in the morning or the moments in the evening in the bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what exactly was wrong with him. Sometimes even his name sounded foreign to him. This wasn't normal. This couldn't be normal...

And the older he got, the worse his feelings became. Sometimes he wanted to lock himself up in his room so no one else could see him anymore or could judge him by whatever impression they would have of him. He didn't want it and he couldn't deal with it. Most of the time he was with his father only but this fact didn't make anything better.

“My son” Whenever he said this, Jace felt a shiver. Why did it sound so wrong in his ears? He most definitely was his son and even if he was very strict and didn't accept any mistake, that was something entirely different. Why was it then, that _son_ just sounded so much more wrong than... child?

It wasn't until his father died that the pressure of letting others think greatly of him grew even more. Somehow it was really overwhelming when he came to the New York Institute, meeting the Lightwoods. So this was now his new home?

First he met Maryse and Robert Lightwood who took him in, showed him around and brought him to his new room. Not much kept him there though. He was used to a lot of training and so he decided to do exactly that. He had been shown the training room before. But when he went there he was nearly hit by an arrow making him take a small step back instantly and held up his hands.

“Woah. Same side.” Jace said while coming in.

“My bad. Mom and dad said you weren't coming until tomorrow”

Head held up high the blond one approached the dark haired boy who held a bow in his hand. “Well, here I am. I'm Jace”

“Alec”

They looked at each other before Jace pointed at the bow. “You're hesitating on the release”

He wasn't skilled in bow and arrow himself but he know how it should look like and it wasn't hesitation. If one wanted to attack, to shoot, they should shoot without holding back. But Alec didn't seem too fond of his critique.

“I get enough crap from my parents. Don't need it from you”

Jace really wasn't good with other people. Well, he didn't ever had the chance to really communicate with others. Especially not with children of the same age. But he realized the other wasn't happy with his way of communication so he tried to apologize.

“Sorry. Not used to... you know... other people” It was hard to admit because it was probably something strange to say. The expression of Alec got a bit softer but still there now was this silence in the air Jace just couldn't deal with.

“Mind if I try?” When being offered the bow Jace snorted and walked to a table to take a dagger.

“See, it's all about confidence.” He took a look at the dagger, checking the grind. “Once you believe you're the best...” He turned around and threw the dagger, hitting the target right in the middle. A smiled appeared on his lips. “...you'll be unstoppable”

Clearly the other boy was impressed, either by his skills or by his words. And Jace believed every single word of those. This is how he'd learned it and how he'd become that skilled in the first place.

While the months and years went by Jace and Alec became closer. Where one was, the other wasn't far. But while Jace also came to somewhat trust Alec, sometimes opening up about what happened to him in the last years, there was one thing he couldn't talk about, though he really wished to. He wanted to understand what he was feeling, especially with his body growing and changing. His shoulders got broader, his facial features harder and with each day going by it became more difficult to even look at himself. It wasn't like he thought he didn't look good. He was. But most of the days he didn't feel like this was him.

Sometimes he caught himself watching Izzy, envying her for her soft face and body that didn't look as muscular as his own even though she did the same amount of training. He didn't want to really look like her or be her. He didn't even know why he looked at her like that.

It was no surprise to anyone when the parabatai ceremony of Alec and Jace was announced. And while being happy about it Jace was scared. He was afraid Alec would find out that something was seriously wrong with him. He wouldn't understand. How should he? He didn't have those weird feelings for sure. It was just him.  
On the day of the ceremony neither him nor Alec where anywhere to find. While he wanted to do it, what if Alec couldn't accept this part of him? Jace himself couldn't even accept it or understand it. But he also couldn't cancel this ceremony. There was no way he could take a step back. So he found his way and met Alec who was also late. Everyone was waiting eagerly as this event was something special.

From being a son to being a brother... and from being a boy to being a man, he wasn't happy with either of those. He wasn't a son or brother, a boy or man, he was just... Jace. He was just himself and nothing else. He was a sibling. He had been a child, now nearly an adult and he was a parabatai.

The moment the bond was created he could feel the warmth of Alec running through his body. He felt his fear, his insecurity and he felt how important he was to him. They now were more than just siblings. There was a deeper connection they would always carry with them.

While they did, both of them realized that there was a small part in either of them that was kept locked up somewhere deep inside. It was weird feeling but then again Jace didn't have any right to complain as he did the same.

Years went by and they were finally grown adults, with secrets still bottled up in them. Both of them suffered and neither knew why the other did. Sometimes Jace thought he knew but then again he wasn't sure, although Alec's deep and intense feelings were rushing through him. No. That was stupid. They were parabatai and Alec surely could feel the same intensity. His parabatai was everything for Jace. And still, he couldn't tell him what was going on. On his good days it wasn't even a problem but there were more and more bad days, overshadowing every single day that was spreading positivity inside of Jace. The more time went by, the worse he felt.

Sometimes he tried to cope by playing the piano but it was hardly the right way to do so. It didn't help solving his problem, it just helped Jace ignore it but afterwards it would hit him even harder. It was a distraction just for a bit of time and yet he came always back to the start, his thoughts a mess in his head and the more he tried to think about what was wrong, the more distorted the playing sounded, just exactly like how distorted he sometimes saw himself.

Looking in the mirror was nearly impossible at that point but he needed to shave every once in a while. Something that didn't make anything better. It was a constant reminder of what he was and what others saw in him: a grown man.

When being outside sometimes he was wandering around as if he could find an answer on the streets. Of course that was impossible and he knew himself. So he spent time watching others like he watched Izzy, thinking about who or what he was. Finding out by that wasn't the easiest thing. He had no chance doing so by just walking down some street. At least that was what he thought until one day he saw that couple, passing him. Instantly he turned around and followed them. It was two persons, holding hands and laughing together. One of them was a wearing a dress, while the other person wore a colorful t-shirt with jeans. Something about them was different. So he couldn't hold back himself. He was drawn to them, somehow fascinated. It took him a while to realize why: they could both have been boys or girls or one boy and one girl. This was it. He couldn't get their gender. They both looked so free of anything that could give it away.

Jace followed them to a small store they went into. It was colorful and rainbow flags were hanging on the outside. Books in the window told him that this was a book shop, though not an ordinary one. Something was... different and it took him a while to understand what exactly was in front of him. The small figures of kissing men and kissing women gave it away. Also the flags with two male symbols or two female symbols, as well as other symbols he didn't even know. But while he was intrigued he didn't dare to go into the store.. Instead he went back to the institute, making sure he'd remember where the store was.

On his way back he tried to sort out his thoughts, trying to find a reason for why he had followed them. It wasn't until he entered the institute, that a thought struck him. Gender. It was their gender or better the lack of it. But why? Why was he so fascinated by that? There was nothing good about that, right? It was confusing. How would anyone address them?

His thoughts still busy with his experience outside, he finally came up with a conclusion when he reached his room. That was exactly what he had always wanted. Not being addressed with boy, son or brother. It was person, child and sibling. This was what he wanted to be but he couldn't. Not with this body that wasn't his own.

He took his stele to draw a rune on his skin, making his body change and now he looked like one of the persons from before. He went to his mirror, looking at himself but... no. That also didn't feel right. This was not even a tiny bit himself. He wanted to be himself, with his body, just... not exactly this body. He wanted to be different, wanted to be seen different. He was no man or woman. He just wanted to be a person, being seen as just a person. Something that sounded way too confusing and the fact that he didn't even get it himself didn't help.

The frustration he felt now was nearly unbearable. He sunk down on his bed, his hands shaking and his eyes trying to hold back his tears. He just wanted to break out of all of this. Since his childhood something was going on and it got worse with every day. The urge of ripping his face off and his skin, trying to make something new of it was so big inside of him but it was clearly impossible. Even if he could change his looks that just wasn't what he really wanted. It also wasn't about looks only. It was about feeling satisfied and this was something he had never done.

The knocking at the door let him look up. He rubbed his face, got up and tried to get himself together, just wanted to answer when he already heard Alec's voice.

“Hey, it's me. Can I come in?” The door opened slightly and Jace sighed. Of course it was him. And he was worried.

“Sure, come in...”

Alec took a step inside and closed the door again behind him before he took a look at his parabatai.

“Jace...” His eyes were red and swollen, his body tense. “Jace, what's going on with you?”

Slowly Alec came closer, put his arms around the blond one and pulled him against his chest. “Please, Jace. Talk to me...”


	2. Chapter 2

Jace dug his fingers in Alec's shirt, holding him tight. He could feel his soothing warmth, hid his face at his shoulder.

“Let me be a part of this. Let me try to help you...” Alec said softly, his hand running through Jace's hair.

“You can't help me. I... I don't even know what is going on...”

“Tell me. I will try to understand, okay? Just... just don't make me leave like that. I can see you're hurting, I can _feel_ it. So please...”

A slight nod of Jace followed. But it took him a while to finally start talking. “I have no idea how... how I can explain it...”

“Try... I will give my best”

Jace nodded again, now moving a bit away from Alec and sitting down on the bed. A deep sigh left his lips, his hand ran through his hair. “There's this feeling... I don't think this... is me” This was a weird start. “I mean...”

Jace got up again, walking around and tried to find the right words. “See, you're a man and... I'm... not?”

Alec blinked, tried really hard to follow his thoughts. His eyes moved over Jace's body. “But... you are.”

“I... I look like one but I'm not. I don't... I-I don't _feel_ like a man”

“So... you're more... a woman?”

“No! No... this is not it. I'm... neither man, nor woman” Jace knew how strange this must sound.

“Uhm... Jace? I don't think I... I mean, I look at you and-”

“See? That's the problem. You look at me and think I'm a man because I look like a man but that's not how I feel like. I never felt like... like this is really me or that I fit this body or this body fits me”

Alec frowned, still trying to understand. He was well aware of the fact that Jace didn't say  _his_ body, but  _this_ , which sounded really strange when he thought about how much Jace liked to show off.

That was probably because Jace knew he was good looking and with his good looks he knew what he could get. Going out, finding some girl to give him comfort for a few hours... that was something he often did. The lack of love in his childhood sometimes made him craving for the admiration of others. He wanted to be comforted, to be touched, kissed, hugged. He wanted to feel good, wanted, loved. He wanted all this feelings but he also knew that nothing of that was  _real_ . Even right after spending time with some girl he felt like starving – starving for touches that was. Touches, that were directed to him and not just his body. He knew he couldn't expect more than that with a person he got to know just a few minutes ago and yet he hoped every time.

Jace could see Alec struggling with what he had said. He could see Alec wanted to understand but also realized how hard it was for him. Of course it was. Jace has had years to deal with this and still didn't really get it. How should Alec understand it from just those few words of explanation.

  
“Can you try to... like... I really want to understand that, Jace”

“I... I don't know. I just know that this is not me. This body is not me. I'm... I don't know what I am or who I am. I just know that I want to be seen as a person. A person only. Not as the gender my body has.”  
Alec nodded slightly. He still didn't get it but he wanted to respect Jace and his feelings. “So how do you want me to... to treat you?”  
“I don't know. I just...” Jace sat down again and Alec gently touched his shoulder, then his back.  
“It's okay. We've time. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with what I say or what I do. To be honest, I really don't understand it but... maybe I don't need to. As long as I don't hurt you or anything. But you need to help me with this.”

“Don't... don't call me brother.” Jace suddenly said after a few moments of silence. He could feel the stinging pain in Alec. Okay, this is not how he wanted to say it. “I mean... I'm... I'm your parabatai and... you... you are my brother. But I'm... I'm not your _brother_. I'm your _sibling_.” It was hard for Jace to explain that and he was worried Alec would be hurt by that.

It took Alec a few moments to react. He nodded first, then frowned. That actually wasn't a big change. He could probably live with that. Calling him his sibling instead of his brother. “Okay.” He finally answered with a little smile on his lips.

Jace relaxed a bit. Hearing this was good. Alec accepted it. He didn't understand it yet but he tried to. And that was probably the most important.

“What else do you want me to change?” The black haired Shadowhunter asked after a while, still processing what Jace had told him.  
“I'm not sure. I just know I don't feel comfortable with... with being called brother or... or basically everything that gives away that I'm... male. I'm... I-I'm just not. I'm a person.”

Alec nodded again. “What about your pronouns then? Are you comfortable with others calling you  _he?_ ” He wanted to know and Jace smiled a little. That really was considerate.

“Something else would be nice but there really isn't any other way to say it, right?.”

“Actually, there is.” Alec answered. It was nothing Shadowhunter would use for each other or basically for anyone but while writing reports for missions Alec had used it a lot before. It wasn't a big surprise, though, that Jace didn't know about it. “It's _they_. You can use it to talk about a person whose gender you don't know.”

“I didn't know you could do that!” Jace exclaimed and the smile on Jace's lips got wider. That sounded good. _They_. This was something he wanted to use – or better: he wanted others to use it.

Alec's mimic got soft when seeing his parabatai like that. “I hope it's okay when I sometimes... well, I'm so used to the way I speak now but I will give my best to change it so you can feel more comfortable.”

“Thank you, Alec. Really, I...”

“Jace, I'm your parabatai. I would do anything to make you feel better. But this is something we will have to tell others at well. It doesn't help if it's just me” But he could see the problem with that. And so did Jace.

“Maybe we can talk to Izzy”

Alec nodded. “Izzy would be a good start. Even if it's just us... if it makes you feel better, it's the right thing.”

“I hope she's okay with it...”

“Why wouldn't she? I'm sure Izzy will accept it and try to make you feel better as well.” Alec insisted and looked at Jace who of course wanted it but at the same time was scared that telling her wouldn't work out. “Don't look at me like that. Hey. It's Iz. And I guess with all her Downworlder friends she already heard stranger things than that”

After finally talking about it to someone Jace felt better. The fact that Alec accepted it without judging any of it was calming and he – no, they – were more than just relieved how this talk worked out. Also, Alec was right, Izzy was open for so many things and probably heard a lot through her friends so maybe she'd understand even better.  
Alec's hand was on Jace's shoulder again, relaxing them even more. But there was more Jace wanted to talk about now. While they felt better they still could feel those worries through the connection the two of them shared. “Alec? There is something else I'd like... to ask you. Now that I shared this thing with you... What is it that... you are carrying around? I can feel it. All the time. Like you felt this.”

A deep sigh left Alec's lips and he got more tense. “I'm not sure I...”

“Alec... There can't be anything more weird or confusing than that.” Jace was right there. This already was something big and something that really wasn't common. “Now... talk. Let me help you as well...”

“I'm...” Alec made a pause again, biting his lower lip. “I'm gay.”

Jace didn't want to say that they had known before but they had realized that there was something about Alec that was... different. They had never seen him once looking after a girl or talking about any and... of course that had kind of given it away though there were men of course that didn't talk that much about women anyway. So they just shrugged and smiled “That's okay with me.”

Somehow Alec seemed too surprised by that. He looked at Jace in confusion for a moment before he finally relaxed.

“No more secrets, okay?” Jace asked and looked at his parabatai.

“No more secrets.” Alec also promised.

With Alec being by their side it felt much easier though the situation hadn't really changed, besides the fact that not only Alec was supportive and tried to stick to what Jace had asked for, but also Izzy was with them. It also was Izzy who tried to help Jace even more by asking them about how they would feel better or what she could do so Jace wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with their body. Of course there was nothing she could really do as this was something that Jace had to deal with alone, which also wasn't easy. But since the two of them knew about their feelings there were some more good days because they respected Jace's choices without any question and Jace on the other hand told their siblings if they felt uncomfortable with anything so something could be done about the situation instantly.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh, I have been here before” Jace suddenly said when Alec and them walked back to the institute after a mission. They looked around and spotted the book shop with the rainbow flags in front. “Last time I didn't dare to go inside. Two mundanes went in there and... it felt like I was led there? So I wanted to see it from the inside as well...”

“But you've not been in there yet?”

“No, maybe I forgot about it or I might not have been brave enough to-”

“Jace Wayland not brave enough? That's new” Alec chuckled. “We will go there together, okay? Just not... now”

They both looked horrible. Demon spit on their ripped clothes and blood stains all over them. Alec didn't feel comfortable to go in there like that.

A few days later Alec and Jace finally managed to get some free time to go to the book shop. Somehow Jace had gotten the feeling that this place would be the right one for them. They felt like they had been led there by those mundanes. Slowly they opened the door and stepped in, Alec following. Going to mundane stores was nothing new but this kind of store... was just something else. The parabatai were greeted by the young man behind the counter. He smiled at them before taking a step around the counter, approaching the two.

“Hey, how are you? Can I help you with something?”

“Err.... Thanks, just having a look around” Jace wasn't even half as confident as they sounded.

“Great, if you need anything or looking for something, let me know”

Jace just nodded and looked around. What did they even do here? But they got the answer pretty soon as they looked at a table with new books. One of those caught Jace's interest: ' _How to understand your gender'_

They took and opened it so they could browse the pages. It was about understanding gender and sexuality, about what defined gender and how to find out ones own gender.

Alec gently put a hand on their shoulder. “This looks like something that might help you...”

“Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure. Do you think they have more like that here?”

“I guess so... let's look around” Alec suggested and went on, checking the books in the shelf next to them. “Oh, look, there is another one...”

When Jace took the next book and opened a page they found already a list with lots of different gender words.

“I didn't know this... really is a thing... agender, demigender, genderfluid, transgender,...” They read out loud. “And there are descriptions for everything. Genderfluid means being one gender one day and the other one on the next... So gender can change?” Jace ran their hand through their hair, frowning in confusion. “How should anyone understand that? Are so many labels even needed?”  
“That depends on you, I guess...” Alec answered with a shrug.  
“I'm not sure... I don't know if I want a label but at the same time I feel like needing a label to... understand myself better.”

“What about just getting these books and you can read them to find out if any of this applies to you?”

“That doesn't sound too bad” Jace nodded and took the books to the check out so they could pay.

The man from before smiled at him. “New to all of this? Or do you want to understand someone else? Good choices anyway. I wish you good luck and I hope you'll find what you're looking for”

With confusion on his face Jace paid and nodded. “Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me”

“Wrong... with you? Okay, wait. Whatever it is... gender is not a binary thing. There is not just male and female but so much in between and everyone needs to find out what applies to them best.” The man explained while putting the books in a paper bag to give it to Jace. “If you're not feeling the binary genders to be fitting, there are so many more and even if you can't exactly label yourself there are still umbrella terms like non-binary. I call myself that. Or short enby. Well, anyway. Check the books and come back anytime. We also do meetings if you want to come. Here, take this”

The man took a pamphlet from a stand next to the register and handed it to Jace.

“Err.... thank you” This was somehow getting out of hand now, the blond Shadowhunter thought and just smiled a little. “I'm sure I will come back” They lied and put the pamphlet with the books before turning to Alec.

“Can we leave? Like... now.” This was a bit too much right now. Jace had no idea of themself and this guy seemed to be knowing more about them than Jace. This didn't feel good. It was confusing and they felt terrible about it.

Alec could feel everything that was going on with his parabatai and all of that was not good. Jace had had a good day but now it seemed to slowly transform into a very bad day. They were good at hiding it but not for him.

“Let's go back to the institute” He said as they left the store together and Jace nodded. They wanted to go back.

“Are you okay?” Alec asked after a while.

“Yeah, I'm just... I'm not used to something like that. I hardly could talk to you about it. Or to Izzy. And now there's a complete stranger wanting to tell me about what might or might not be going on with me.” Especially a mundane. This was even worse. They were a Shadowhunter and life for Shadowhunter was different. He could easily say that being like that worked out in the mundane world but their word was much more strict. No one could know.

Their way back was quiet but somewhere in between Jace took out the pamphlet to have a look at it.

“Meeting for people living outside of the binary. Everyone welcome.” They read and shook their head. No, not for them. They wouldn't go to something like this. This was not their life. Maybe some mundane's life. But not Jace's.

“Sounds... interesting.” Alec was as enthusiastic as Jace themself. This was nothing a Shadowhunter would ever attend. For what reason anyway? This made no sense. Buying books on something one didn't understand was something else though. While it had been quite easy for Alec to realize what was different with him, Jace didn't have it that easy. Gender apparently wasn't easy. At least the list in one of the books showed exactly that.

This was also the reason why Jace brought the books to their room, sat down with one and checked the list again, reading through all the descriptions. There were so many different types of gender and while they got some of them, others were completely foreign to them. But did they feel like any of those? It was like if they would label themself, they would also restrict themself and that was something they didn't want to. Especially not if they didn't even get the whole issue with whatever they were or weren't.

When being younger their feeling had been “I'm not a son, I'm not a boy” and that was enough. With coming to age it was a completely different issue. Especially after puberty. And now here they were, trapped in this body that sometimes was really nice to have, if they wanted to get something. But other than that they mostly felt like some parasite.

During the next days, whenever Jace had some minutes to spare, they went to their room to read the books. While that list had been really confusing and left them with more doubts and questions than real answers and explanations the rest of the books was much better, gave them more of an insight and clearly broke down everything to pieces so even if one didn't have any idea of that matter, it was quite easy to understand.  
Jace could think about themself more and about why they were like they were and... what they were. It took time, a lot of time to finally get behind all of that and not just to get behind it but also to embrace it without thinking that there was something wrong. These feelings were completely normal and there were other people out there who had similar feelings, other people who tried to cope by distracting themselves.

From the books Jace also learned the word dysphoria and there wasn't even much explanation needed for them. Now they finally knew what this feeling was that made them despise their body. Now they knew the name of it. It wasn't all the time of course, so they weren't constantly dysphoric. Some day or another they might even appreciate their body. But most of the time they didn't feel comfortable. There was too much... man, too much of what they didn't like and too less of what they actually wanted. They didn't even know what they wanted. One day something was good while the next they wanted to cut off exactly what was keeping them from being satisfied, may it be the muscles on their body or the fact that they grew a beard which other days they didn't even mind.

And even if Jace got rid of what they liked and would get what they liked instead no one would accept them as a person. Though the books said that people got more open about gender, this was only a small part of society and... it also was only a part of mundane society. The Shadowhunter world was something different. But as long as they were accepted and supported by the people around them, it was alright, right? Well, sometimes it was, yet not always. They should have been used to be called son by now. They should have been used to be seen as a men. But they weren't. Every time any gender specific word was used for Jace they were cringing, just bottling up everything they were fed up with. Not a good strategy but the only strategy that worked. Talking about it would make everything much more complicated.

This was something Jace had to live with and no one could take that from them. Not in this case at least. They read about transgender people as well and there were ways to change the body. But this was nothing they wanted to do. They didn't want to become female. Just more... less-male. Just something they would be happy with and wouldn't constantly being judging about. They were their biggest critic and they could see and feel how unhealthy that was.  
Maybe it would be easier if they had grown up differently. If they had been loved, healthy and caring. Not the way their father raised them. They did never experience love until they came here and... maybe it was too late? Maybe it was too late for them? Maybe they should have changed something much earlier in their life. But they had just been a confused child with confusing emotions and too many issues. Some of those they didn't even have the possibility to leave behind.

They knew how bad some decisions were. Finding comfort with too many different women, just to feel warmth and shallow affection was nothing healing but destroying.


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes accepting one's own body wasn't even easy when the gender fit the body's sex but how should anyone being able to accept themself if the body didn't match what was going on inside? And how should anyone else being able to accept it? At some point Jace was a bit jealous because Alec had it much easier. Yes, he was gay, but he was a man in a man's body and would never have to deal with any problem like the ones Jace felt. But then again... how was being gay any easier? On the contrary. Jace was into women and no one would ever question their sexuality because no one knew what they were feeling inside. Alec on the other hand... he was expected to marry a woman of course, just like Jace was. And he would either have to stay single, suppress his sexuality, or – and this was nearly impossible and completely unacceptable – would have to ignore any rules and laws and marry a man.

Jace would never face discrimination this way. But suppressing one's identity, no matter in which way, wasn't good. At least they could share everything with their brother and sister who always listened to him, though they couldn't really help him.

After having read the two books they had bought Jace could understand some things a bit better, yet not completely. They still had issues with their own feelings about their body and it wasn't easy to work on it. At first glimpse there was nothing wrong with their body anyway. It didn't look weird nor was anything on it that could make someone insecure. Still there was so much off for Jace and therefor was difficult to accept. They even tried to figure out what exactly would have to be different but one day it was this, the next day it was that. They tried to make up a perfect picture of themself in their head but it also didn't really work out as with each day something was shifting and one thing seemed better than another. It was like creating a model out of clay and every time you'd look at it, something else was distorted.

Coming to terms with themself seemed like the hardest thing to do for Jace. Finding a way to not having that many bad days was a tough task and they were lucky to have their siblings at their side. But it were not just their siblings who helped them dealing with themself. It was also the knowledge they got from reading those books which gave them an understanding of how this was something that made them not weird or abnormal. They were still a completely normal person. Gender was something fluid and much more complex than just the binary system of male and female. Internalizing this took quite a while but when finally doing so, Jace could accept themself a bit easier.

Finding someone for a night had always been easy for Jace but finding someone for them was a much harder task and they thought never ever could someone see them instead of just the vessel they were trapped in. It wasn't until they had met Clary.  
They had run into her during a mission and ever since then she was just there to make their life a complete chaos. With all he stubbornness and her weird mundane morals she not just once had driven them mad and yet there was something about her that touched Jace in a way they had never experienced before.

Clary became their everything, accepting and loving Jace the way they were even after finally telling her the truth. She had just smiled so full of love and care. She had told them that there was nothing that could hold her back loving them.

“It's not your body that I love, Jace. It's what's inside... I'm drawn to you. I love _yo_ _u_.” These words had meant everything to them. Being accepted like that, feeling that unconditional love of the girl they loved.

Going through so many things together brought them closer together, even with their ups and downs. Her being taken from Jace due to thinking they were siblings was horrible and at some point they even thought it wouldn't make sense to go on. There was no one like her. No one that could accept them like she did. Never would they had thought they would be used and manipulated by their father again making them weak once again, making them doubt.

And while this part in Jace's and Clary's life went by and they found together again there was so much more to come, so much more they both had to suffer through. Sometimes Jace thought they just didn't deserve to be happy. The angels wanted to punish them for being who they were, for not being normal. That must have been it. Their punishment. And they deserved it.

Alec could feel the pain his parabatai was in but he couldn't do more than being with them, trying to not lose themself. But this was exactly what happened. After finally thinking they could be happy together something about Jace got even weirder and neither Alec nor Clary could hold them anymore and getting Jace back to them was the hardest and most difficult task ending up with Jace thinking Clary was dead, killed by an explosion.

The pain Jace felt was excruciating and the only way to cope with what was hurting them was jumping head first into things that could get them killed. Going out alone, hunting and coming back bleeding didn't just happen once and while Alec got that Jace was suffering, that was no reason to also get killed themself. But there was no other way for Jace to get distracted. This was what helped: destroying others or even himself.

Not just once they made a complete mess out of their room. But it was the first time to see themself in their mirror and getting the urge to destroy the vessel they so often had hated. Their fist landed in the glass, leaving them bleeding. This was all too much and they were at the point where they seriously didn't know how to go on. Having a breakdown wasn't knew but feeling it this intense was. With feeling all the guilt coming back to normal was no option. But somehow they had to move on, no matter how.

Clary was alive. She really was alive.  
This information struck Jace who was still dealing with what was going on in them. Dropping everything they fought to get her back, finally having her with them again just to see her taken again. And Jace barely had any chance to breath. Everything was happening way too fast and with Clary not being herself and Alec suffering through his ended relationship as well, their feelings acting up again. It was drowning them.

Saving Idris and going to Edom to help Alec and Magnus was dangerous and at some point Jace even thought they wouldn't make it out alive. It was too much that was happening and they were afraid like never before in their life. Still, together they had managed to not only kill any demon but  _ the _ demon – Lilith. And while doing so they even blew up Edom. At least there was no danger coming from that realm anymore, which didn't mean there was no one left who could be a danger to the world: Clary's brother. But thanks to her rune ability they could even get rid of him.

After so many things happening in such a short time it seemed like everything was over eventually. There was time again for everyone to recharge. And Jace, they could finally be with Clary without being scared of her being taken from them again. At least, that's what they thought.  
Alec's and Magnus' wedding was a big surprise and yet it really wasn't. There was no way they wouldn't get married as soon as possible. Somehow this occasion also helped everyone to come back to their normal life without being constantly scared of a new danger. Everything seemed more than just perfect.  
Clary was their tower of strength. She had helped Jace to be more accepting of themself. She had showed them that they were good the way they were. The had told them how it was their soul that was important and not the body they were in. She was considerate and caring always having her eyes on them.

And then... she was gone. This time it was no danger from Edom, no demon that had taken her from them. It was the angels. Again, another way to punish Jace. But this time there was no way they could save her. This time it seemed like she was gone for good and Jace was left behind, the broken person they always had been but with some cracks carefully mended and sealed.


End file.
